| Damn sorry this has been so long |
[Jun. 22nd, 2005|10:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
What can I say - definitely going through my Saturn Return.
My daughter had bacterial meningitis. She's okay. It was by far the most frightening experience of my life. She had a high fever (103.6) and I took her to an after hours place that could not determine the problem. They ended up giving her antibiotics for a possible but unconfirmed ear infection. 2 days later, the fevers were still high and I knew something was just not right. My pediatrician thought her neck seemed stiff and sent us to the emergency room at Children's Primary. I was so terrified it was meningitis. I was scared about the spinal tap. I was scared she would die. I was scared she'd be damaged forever. Such a bright spark - I just couldn't imagine her with brain damage. She is so brilliant. So bright and so advanced. I was so scared I would lose her. They tested her for urinary tract infection, as well as ear infection - and then they did the tap. They gave her something to calm her, as well as something they said would erase the memory. She was funny and goofy, but when the nurses grabbed her body and forced it into the fetal position, she still had a smile on her face as she whimpered to me "Help". I don't think I have ever felt as helpless at that moment than any other. I just kept telling her it would be ok. She fought. God I just felt so helpless. I just wanted her to feel safe and there was nothing I could do.
The fluid from her spine was clear. That was a good sign. I thought we'd be going home that night.
The tests came back that her white blood count in her spinal fluid was abnormally high but not outrageously so. As if she had partially treated meningitis - thank you antibiotics for the undiagnosed ear infection. I was kicking myself for that and yet now I see it was a blessing. It was partially treated and it looks like we staved off permanent damage.
Two days in the hospital, they determined we could go home with a picc line (permanent IV). Putting that in was a very similar process as the spinal tap as far as the same drugs and trying to keep her calm. I sang to her the entire time. The doctors said they wished they could bottle my voice and love. I did fine until she started to bleed. My knees buckled and I about passed out. The doctor got me a chair and I made sure I couldn't see her arm and resumed my singing.
If I can give you any message, it is this.
You are blessed.
Relish in the love you have, both given and received. Relish in it. It goes by fast and really, all that matters is the love we share. RELISH in it.
And now on to another saturn return issue.
I just figured out what I want to be when I grow up and after real estate school and dreams of making big bucks running around expensive new homes selling them to dreamy eyed couples, I figured out I would much rather get Democrats online. I have applied for a job at the State Democratic Party. This is only phase 1 though. I want to produce software with my dad for the Dem party as well, donating a portion of the profits to www.pdamerica.org. It feels so good finally knowing what I want and being of service to what I believe in.
This has been long enough so I'll close this. I'll post soon on my cleanse (9 days, 9 pounds lost, sleeping better, clear mind) I promise. |
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| busy busy busy |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|09:06 pm] |
I am managing 1 campaign and volunteering for 2 more.
I am the manager for Craig Axford for Utah State Democratic Chair: http://www.axfordforchair.org (as well as webmaster and internet outreach) and volunteering for Laura Bonham for Utah State Democratic Vice Chair: http://www.lauraforvicechair.com (I am her webmaster and internet outreach) as well as volunteering my internet outreach to Charles Kimball for Salt Lake County Chair of the Democratic Party.
BUSY.
VERY.
I'm tired but inspired. I feel really positive about the outcome of all of the above races. We'll celebrate Charles's victory on Saturday, and I expect a similar party on May 7th for both Craig and Laura.
I will be glad when it's over so I can pour more energy into my family, but I must say I am enjoying this ride. |
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| LONG ASS TIME. |
[Dec. 2nd, 2004|09:55 pm] |
God where do I start.
I've had a few glasses of wine. That's probably the best thing to start with.
I am hopeful. Hard to believe, right? Not if you see the mainstream media for what it truly is - a mouthpiece for the government owned by about 5 very rich white men. Let me just say this. UKRAINE = USA.
Things are happening.
Past that, I am feeling my age and it's okay. I remember thinking 30 was ancient. Now I am grateful for those who shared any part of my wild and silly stupid youth (http://www.livejournal.com/users/androit/ - thanks for your share of time).
We grow up when we say we do. I'm glad I didn't know that at 17.
I am ready to grow up now. Funny. I am a mother of a 4 year old and a 2 year old and NOW I am ready to grow up.
I have learned that the most powerful emotion is that of being overwhelmed. I am in a state of bliss when I am overwhelmed with love. I realize now that any situation that brings about a feeling of being overwhelmed, is one where my love is overwhelming me. When I see the pictures of Iraqi children with limbs missing and blood dried onto their bodies, I am overwhelmed. It could be taken at face value as sadness, but I realize it goes beyond that. It's this overwhelming love I have for this one that could be my own that is tearing me apart.
In this tragic horrid reality...
How beautiful it is to be overwhelmed with love for humanity itself.
We are one. As soon as we realize this - as soon as we drop dehuminizing one another - as soon as we connect - we are again whole.
Don't doubt for a second my love for humanity.
God bless the music makers.
"Come on, oh my star is fading
I swerve out of control
If I, If I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole.
Come here, oh my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole
But time, is on your side
It's on your side, now
I'm pushing you down
And all around
It's no cause for concern..
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see, no chance of release
And I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath
And time is on your side
It's on your side, now
I'm pushing you down
And all around
Oh, It's no cause for concern
Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down.
Stood on the edge
Tied to a noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won't change a thing
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
and you came along but you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
-Amsterdam by Coldplay" |
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| Tired. Dog Tired. |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|10:42 pm] |
I shouldn't be updating a journal but I need to.
God if I just had some fucking device to plug into my brain that could pour what I needed to write about here I would be saved (and rich).
I am better than ever. I am awake which makes everything seem out of reach. Does that make sense?
You know, I'm going to continue this tomorrow. I just pray I'm awake enough for a little fun with my husband before I hit unconscious. |
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| 4 months |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|02:10 pm] |
Wow it's been awhile.
I'm working on a 2 week cold. I'm also preparing for a 9/11 event. The house is in bad shape but I've hired a company to clean the carpets and the rest of the house before the AMAZING Tom English arrives (who is performing at the event. He's staying with me. Gotta get this house in shape.
My son is 4 years old. That blows my mind. My daughter turns 2 next month. Another mind blower. My babies aren't babies.
I feel like crap but just wanted to pop in. In case anyone is listening. Heh.
*sniffle cough*
ta ta! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2004|12:22 pm] |
I'm sorry I've not been myself
But I had to go within
I had to pad myself with my cocoon
I had to wrap myself in those layers
I had to push everything out
Until I was forced to look in.
I had to experience the binding
until I was too claustrophobic to be bound.
I had to experience the loneliness
until I realized I'm never alone.
I had to feel the weight
until the desire to be free was great enough.
I'm done. My wings are gorgeous, yet I've not yet seen their splendor.
They are still gaining strength as I push myself to be free.
They are still working their way out of the cocoon.
And it is exactly as it should be.
Thank you for waiting
For your patience and love
Your acceptance
The gestation is over.
The pain of my birth is now.
Every moment of struggle is worth
The freedom that awaits me as I finally emerge. |
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| I cry every time I hear this song. Just looked for the name of it. How appropriate. |
[May. 26th, 2004|02:53 pm] |
http://www.mp3shits.com/download/download.php?skey=0cb4f7a4d6c872c86bc445b0dda4d103&key=31455
Come on, oh my star is fading
I swerve out of control
If I, If I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole.
Come here, oh my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole
But time, is on your side
It's on your side, now
I'm pushing you down
And all around
It's no cause for concern..
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see, no chance of release
And I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath
And time is on your side
It's on your side, now
I'm pushing you down
And all around
Oh, It's no cause for concern
Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down.
Stood on the edge
Tied to a noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won't change a thing
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
and you came along but you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
-Amsterdam by Coldplay |
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| Sophie's woordenschat / Sophie's vocabulary 118 words |
[May. 14th, 2004|11:36 pm] |
Hallo allemaal!
Sophie was naar de kinderarts geweest. Zij is erg dun maar normaal lengte.
Haar woordenschat is 100 woorden over wat gemiddelde voor een kind van haar
leeftijd is! Zij heeft 110 woorden!
this
that
there
banana
vitamins
apple
milk
please
thank you
bunny
up
down
poop
dance
yes
no
mommy
papa
lekker
eten
hands
help
stuck
blues clues (een televisie prograama)
circle
ball
triangle
nose
car
shirt
pants
socks
shoes
candle
kitty cat
horse
puppy/dog
pretty
grandpa
mittie (haar grandma)
night night
hi
bye
ok
nap
moon
sun
chicken
cheese
two
where are you?
there it is!
sorry
go go go (als ze ergens naartoe willen gaan)
plane
choo choo (voor trein)
wow
ta-da
I'm done
mess
broken
shower
bubble bath
snow
I love you
hug
owie
hot
coffee
cup
bubbles
elmo
teeth
open
close
baby
tree
bird
carrots
broccoli
bread
duck
quack
arf arf
book
boat
spider
bug
ice cream
yogurt
bonk
kiss
jump
yucky
helicopter
bear
balloon
coat
window
chai (een drank)
blanket
water
oh no!
again
cookie
cracker
table
toes
light
hat
:)
Veel liefde!
Groetjes! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2004|10:24 pm] |
I am obsessed with 2 things.
Kucinich (what can I say, never could let go)
and Iron Giant toys. I scour e-bay daily for their remote control walking iron giant, the power hero, and the ultimate iron giant. I got this stupid 4" figure because I'm cheap and these fuckers are expensive, for my son for Christmas. He lost it. I got him another and bought a spare just in case (and because I've learned how valuable these things are). If you haven't seen the 1999 Iron Giant movie, go now and see it. Do it. Now. It's my son's favorite and I have to say, it's right up there for me too. Truly brilliant and entertaining, and I cry at the end every time. ANYWAY. I digress. I really want one of the Trendmaster toys (originally $8, $20 and $30) for my son. They go for $30-50, $50-90, and $100-300 now, depending on the version.
I am going now.
By the way, you'll hear dark shit here but it's because this is where I put it. Not to worry in case you do.
Groetjes
ME |
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| I have a sty in my eye |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|09:58 pm] |
So it hurts every time I blink.
My hair is maroon and short.
I think my eye matches my hair.
So here's the thing. I'm yet again participating in behaviors that are self destructive but the kicker is, I am fully aware of it. Excuses aside. It's like watching a movie. Because it's different, I figure this is progress. Besides, I've let go of so many non-healthy habits recently that I figure this has to be a healthy change (at least in attitude).
My son drives me crazy and after he's in bed, I regret my attitude with him from the day. We did have one very endearing moment when we'd been harsh with one another (he's just 3.5), and I said to him I was sad. He said he was too. I said we should hug then. What a fucking great hug.
My daughter looked at me today and said, "Guns.". I said "What?" "Guns." she repeated. "Guns?" I said, "Yes." she replied. She's 1.5. |
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| eegads |
[Apr. 14th, 2004|10:17 pm] |
FUCKING MERCURY.
I swear to GAWD every time Mercury goes retrograde, I fight with those I care about the most. No juicy details shall follow but I will say, all is well again.
Who knew he thought I didn't love him.
WOW.
Ok so that one detail.
One more.
I not only love him, I adore him - still get butterflies in my stomach thinking of him after 6 years.
Where am I?
Cleaning up.
I am a vegetarian now. Have been for about a month or two. Like smoking, I didn't mark the day I quit. I have also been working on 3 paid sites. It's been horrid as I've not had any inspiration but got bit in the ass with some just today. Woot, there is a whole new set of energy now! What else...
We all have some form of the sickies. Kids do that to you. Damnit. |
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| empty |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|09:38 pm] |
this heart has been bled dry.
I don't think I have one more tear to cry.
You've reduced me to dust.
It stings. |
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| reincarnation |
[Apr. 9th, 2004|09:11 pm] |
This is my first livejournal entry. I used to have a journal elsewhere, but closed up shop when I became less anonymous than I'd like to be. Lesson learned - the real personal stuff needs to be kept in a real personal journal and truly kept anonymous. It didn't bite me in the ass, but it could have. Some things I'd rather not people know about me. Not that there are any secrets in the universe.
If I have to share everything, I'll keep separate journals. I'm a chicken shit that way. |
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